She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
