Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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