Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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