i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
15 Porn Memes You’re Only Allowed To Laugh At If You’re Over 18
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."