i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
