I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
