My friends, they love my intelligence
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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