I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
