apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
