just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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