How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
