Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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