every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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