But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
