I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
