last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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