Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
