this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
