she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
