I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
