i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
