Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
where are you?
Hypothermia
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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