this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
