Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
