I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
