theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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