I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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