I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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