you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
