I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
