i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
