FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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