If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
