Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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