Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i think my tv is drunk
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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