I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
