I wish I could punch you in the face.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
