He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
