'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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