i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
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Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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