Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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