i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
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I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
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I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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