i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
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I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
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You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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