as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
