The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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