Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
