I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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