I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
