I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
