Just fell off a train. Bad.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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