Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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