She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
