I checked into jail on foursquare
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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