I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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