How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
A bitchslap is in order.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
