If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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