Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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