too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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