I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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