Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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