You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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